I’m 21 weeks this week. Already. It’s so fast it’s surreal. It seems like it was just yesterday morning when I sat at the kitchen table with my calendar in-front of me, trying to remember when was my last period, part of my mind denying that a pregnancy is possible, while my body is yelling at me, “It’s been too long since the last period! Something’s happening, girlfriend!”
After the pregnancy was confirmed, I knew I wanted to have a blog to document this third pregnancy. I know it is special and very important. When something in my life happens without me planning or asking for it, it is to teach me something, and I want to listen intently and learn. But it took me so long to even start this journal. Hopefully it’s not too late. It’s never too late, I think.
Why a journal? Because there are so many things to sort through in preparation for the big change ahead. I was also hoping this delivery will be a different one. Perhaps I will finally be able to trust my body and allow it to show me what a birth is like, how a birth can be. No doubting, no anxiety, no fears. And no more baggage. I just feel I am carrying excessive and redundant baggage on me that I do not need, yet am hanging on to it. I feel this pregnancy is to help me through it. I need to shed some things and it is supposed to be NOW, not two years later, as I had planned the pregnancy to happen. With each pregnancy, with each daughter, I had embarked on incredible journeys of learning and revelations. But I guess I am still held back. Still not learning enough and still not being authentic enough. This pregnancy is the push.
Strangely, I know I need to work through so many issues before I can have this third birth. I realized that too many issues about myself surround me during the pregnancy, and especially during labor and birth, that both previous times I had been handicapped. It shouldn’t be surprising that my experiences from birth, even in utero is still affecting me so much. Those experiences, those voices in my head, are like resilient pigments that I keep coloring my life with, even if they are not the right colors I wanted, even if it did not create the effect I wanted. So why did I think I was going to be “ready” for a third child in two years time? Why did I think I could wait so long? Or why did I feel so sure that in 2 years I will be all sorted out? I suspect the Universe thinks the time is NOW, I have to take a good long hard look at my life, at my Self, right now. No waiting.
And then I think there were already plans in place for this to happen. One is my finding of Kundalini yoga and being drawn to it. I practice it almost solely now. Next is the visit to Germany where I held my sister-in-law’s 10-month-old baby to get the hormones going. I thought little Vivian was very drawn to me, she was always happy to see me and would try all kinds of antics to get my attention. She likes me to hold her and is always giving me big smiles. Then I started having baby fever. One evening Ralf asked if I wanted to have a third baby, even though we “agreed” that two is just enough. When I asked why he raised that question, he told me from the look of my face when Vivian is in my arms, everybody can tell that I wanted a baby of my own. In other words, I was reeking with baby hormones.! I asked if he wanted a third child and to my surprise he was open to the idea. And then, wham! It just happened. I almost want to say we had a third child just by thinking of wanting one!
But where does Kundalini yoga figure in? well, I came upon it by accident but it has changed me almost totally. Well, maybe not “change” as I am not transformed, but I feel a process has been started just by virtue of doing this type of yoga. It has helped me truly connect my body with my soul and led me to delve into what is within me. Kundalini would not allow me to just whip my body into shape without exercising my mind and thinking more deeply about what is “me”, who is “me”. I truly was not ready for the change it would initiate in me– I had always been the “do it in 20 minutes” type but most of my kundalini yoga dvd’s take an hour and I will gladly wake up extra early to do it. In fact, I needed to do it. I needed a change.
And I was not even too crazy about it at the start. I stumbled upon it, ordered a couple DVD’s and the first time I did it I felt weird about the breathing and the fact that I had to involve my “sex organ” during the exercise. But something drew me to it to keep trying. Maybe it was the need to stay focus and not think about the piling-up laundry while doing leg-lifts. I had to actively and constantly think about the “soul” and “mind” part of me while being nice to my physical body. The “breath of fire” also helped me understand that the physical and mental and emotional parts of me are all one. I could not do the Breath of Fire initially. I felt like passing out, could not sustain it. I thought, either the technique is wrong, or something is not right with me. I found the email address of the instructor and emailed her. Several techniques were suggested to help me attain the Breath of fire and I was also gently told that if the Breath of Fire is not coming along, I am probably overly stressed and have knots in my heart I need to untangle. It was a big jolt to me. True, life was stressful and yes, I had a lot in my mind and in my heart then. I worked on them, and soon, Breath of Fire came along more easily, and it even feels really good now. Now I cannot do without Kundalini yoga. I thought I needed variety and rotated in some Pilates and other types of exercises but felt totally uninspired and in fact I could hear my brain yawning loudly as I listened to the instructions to move this muscle or work a certain area of my body. That’s because, the soul is not involved, the mind is idle, except perhaps for thinking “Let’s work that layer of fat off.”
But Kundalini did not just invigorate me. It stirred up my sleepy soul and made me think. Throughout the workout when we breathe we think of the words “Sat Nam”. What is “Sat Nam”? It can just mean “God”, but it also means “I am Truth” or “Truth is my identity.” We are asked to think what is our true identity? To stay true and be true. And that had gotten me thinking A LOT about how I sometimes, often, labor under a false impression of Self. What I “should” be instead of accepting and being my authentic Self. And after I found out I was pregnant I was very certain if I do not face my true Self bravely, and be joyful in what I find, I am again not going to experience a true birth.
That’s why, my little one, I think you are going to be my Sat Nam baby. That’s why I think I am experiencing this pregnancy now, because I know I have to work through my issues now, and be an authentic person, because I cannot keep cheating myself.
I am going to work through the previous two deliveries and understand why it left me feeling more battered in my soul. Those two pregnancies gave me two beautiful girls and the most precious gifts I can ever ask for. They are also a part of my journey to Authenticity but I have a feeling this is the part where I have to have the courage to breakthrough and find my true self, or never do. Either than or to continue to stagger through life, laboring under false impressions and continuing to wish futile hopes for peace and true joy.
So yes, even though I was totally taken aback by the timing of this pregnancy, I’ve come to see it as the big leap. It’s telling me, “Forget about the home business and making money. Material is not going to solve your problems now; you need to go inside, deep inside, and find yourself. Converse with your Self’s of the past and decide on where they should be in your life. Take control of your life while listening intently to the song of Life and Universe, and dance along gracefully; walk along joyfully and be your authentic Self.”
Thank you, my Sat Nam baby, for forcing me to slow down and explore and listen. Now is the time.
