all those months… …

All those months, they thought I had been immersed in the bliss of goo-goo baby world.

It made me keel over to think that.

I have these two friends, a most wonderful couple, back in Hong Kong. I adore them, these wonderful people. We don’t communicate often because they are not the “email-ing” type and prefer to talk on the phone but with the time difference and all that, it had been hard. But we think of each other often. And, if I need any help, I know I can rely on them. No questions asked. Last year they sent me some books on Chinese post-natal recipes, since R volunteered to be the post-natal cook. I had asked for those, and they bought them for me and mailed them and did not want any money for that.

Then Ferdinand died. I included them on the announcement email. They did not write back. Because I know how they are, I expected they just could not find the words and were just grieving silently along.

Turns out that email announcement somehow fell through the cracks.

This February, I got a brief email about greetings for Chinese New Year. I was home and away from the computer for a good three weeks, and by the time I dug back through my emails, it was May.

So last week I replied and said we are ok, blah blah… how are you guys doing?

Then he replied and asked, can you send photos of your three kids? What’s the name of the youngest? Are you getting help now that you have three?

That lightning went right through me. I went totally cold. I felt like dying.

Oh. my. goodness. They do not know. How could they not know?! They were on the list. Yes, I am sure, they were on the list. How could they not know?

I wrote back, saying that it appears you missed an email I sent out last July. I had a stillbirth. Our baby son did not make it. His name is Ferdinand. It means “ardent voyager”. We did not have the reason why it happened. We are coping.

How could they not have known?! What happened to that email?? What are they going to say now? How are they going to react?

All those months we did not get in touch, we were fumbling, stumbling, bleeding, trying to find some crack of light around an exit door. And they thought, oh, they must be busy and full of bliss juggling another kid. Imagine, three kids for them now! When are they ever going to send us pictures!… …. The baby is 10 months now. I think we ought to ask for a picture, let’s email them and see how they are doing…

And instead of an attachment of a photo of a chunky, drooling, happy baby, I sent along a piece of overdue, stale bad news. Sad news. Awful news.

I feel like dying. I feel so awful.