letter to my in-laws

My relationship with my in-laws have always been polite and pleasant. They treat me well, and with respect. They are open-minded, good-hearted folks who loves to try new things and to travel. They are mostly supportive of us. But, we live on different continents and do not communicate much. I mean, me and them. (R calls them maybe once a month and they’ll talk for about an hour, catching up and all.) They do emails but not very often, and mostly they are busy with work in their own yard (keeping sheep, chickens and having lots of vegetables and fruit trees. My MIL makes fruit jams from their harvest and they are just the best stuff) so we do not talk much, especially this past year. Below is an email I sent them this morning:

“

Dear D, dear L,

I hope all is well with you and all in Lotte. R told me you recently went for your vacation at the castle, I hope you had a fantastic time and we look forward to hearing about it.

I am not sure if you remember… but we are fast approaching Ferdinand’s first anniversary. This month has been very hard for me, not just because of the heat and having to drive the girls some place (Chinese camp, or gym class or swim class) every day of the week; I also have a translation assignment (tough one) to work on, while grappling with memories and emotions that are just brutal to deal with. By now, most people have forgotten, expecting us to “move on”, to have forgotten the shock, the hurt, and the grieving. But, how can we ever forget?

One thing a fellow bereaved mum said struck a chord with me- she said she did not want to become a smaller person because her son died. She wants to become a bigger person.

Sometimes, it is easy to become that “smaller” person, as we feel angry, hurt and being treated unfairly. Sometimes it is not just the hurt that Ferdinand’s death occurred, but also the reactions of people around us, the things people have said, the things people have done. Yet, it will be so unfair and silly to become a smaller person because our children died.

So, there is an initiative out there to perform “acts of kindness” in memory of our lost little ones. To do kind things in honor of them, in remembering them.

I received some money from a recent translation assignment and I donated 10% of it to an education fund in Singapore, as well as an organization that is dedicated to saving wildlife. I donated these in Ferdinand’s name. I did ask R if we would make a donation to an organization here in the US but he said we do not have the budget. It is ok. I know we handle things in different ways. When I asked him if he has any ideas what to do on Ferdinand’s birthday, he was reluctant to talk about it, saying he is not sure he wants to “re-live the trauma.” I can understand. Only I feel in shying away from pain, we make it worse. Moreover, the two girls remember Ferdinand very much, misses him very much. I do not want to let July 29 pass by in silence, as if he did not exist. Indeed he still exists, only it is in our hearts.

We’ll be up at the cabin this weekend. Sunday, July 27, was the day we found out he had died in my womb. We will remember him. We will make a fire and burn the drawings that the girls have made for him. Since yesterday, I started a 40-day meditation** that is supposed to bring healing to myself, and to all those who need it. I hope in doing this meditation, I am also performing an act of kindness- to myself and to others. I also hope, in doing this meditation, I initiate healing in myself, and in others who need it. I have a large box of paper cranes that friends made for us last year, after Ferdinand died. I would like to do something with them- string them up with beads and give them to the local hospital to hang in the memorial garden. But right now, I do not have the strength and energy to do this, but I hope to complete this project by year’s end.

If you like, please think about this idea of “acts of kindness” in the coming days, and remember Ferdinand with us. It need not involve money. Even just being kind to yourself, and to people around you, is good enough, if you are thinking of Ferdinand.

Regards to everyone in Germany, especially to Horst, please send our warmest wishes of recovery to him.

Janis”

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I can tell you one thing for now: peace attracts demons, of all sorts.

** This meditation I am doing is known as the Ra Ma Da Sa meditation. I have done it several times before but never truly realized its significance. Right now I do it following the CD by Snatam Kaur. I knew about her when I accidentally heard a song sung by her. It brought tears to my eyes, the purity of her voice and how she interpreted the song. I really like the power of her voice in this meditation. If you go to her website you can hear the meditation being sung as well. More about the meditation here.