Warmly, Janis

At that moment, I willed myself to die with my son, because I felt he was the best I had to offer in this life, and without him I was nothing. For the first time in my life I had felt like me being who I was, was enough. It mattered not to Kaiden how I looked, how much money I had, where I lived, nothing mattered but that I loved him and he loved me. His loss affected so many people, my poor mother who was anticipating the birth of her first grandchild, being as though out of 12 siblings she was the only one who had none, to the police department I worked for. They rallied around me like never before and took such good care of me. I could never imagine working anywhere else in the world and have something this tragic happen to me. They became family I never knew I had and I will forever be grateful to them.

Life after Kaiden has been hard, but eventhough hard to believe it does get better with time. I am now the mother of a 2 1/2 year old daughter named Kennedy Makhaila who was born via emergency c-section at 32 weeks. She is by no means Kaiden’s replacement, but I often feel guilt because the fear of losing her and I did her big brother did not allow me to be as happy and excited about her arrival and I was with his. She is the apple of my eye and because of the loss of her big brother she is loved that much harder by all who know her.

I never thought in a million years I would be a mother, but I got pregnant with her just 8 months after his passing. The best advice I can give to anyone who is going through a stillbirth is to know that it does get better over time, and to let the tears fall when they need to. I do. I made a scrap book of my pregnancy from the begining all the way up to his death, and it really helped me in the healing process. The loss is forever, but I urged parents that suffer this loss to go to counseling, and visit different support groups, because 1 in 200 births are stillbirths, and in all the parenting classes no one ever told me that one of us would not be going home with our babies. I was that 200th person, but I have met other 200’s along my journey in life without Kaiden. Thanksgiving Day will never be the same in our family, but as I look arournd our table every year I still see a lot to be thankful for. He still and will always be my son, my first born, and I am forever his mother. Not even death can change that. I want to encourage all parents that have experienced this type of loss to have the courage to try again only when you feel comfortable and have consulted with your doctor’s and mother’s remember to do kick counts. I knew nothing about them while I was carrying Kaiden, but I did with Kennedy and she is here.

I ask for prayers for me and my family as Kaiden’s 4th birthday is this month, and it is a very hard time for me.

Thank you to everyone who has shared your stories and for letting me know that I am not alone in this journey.

Peace and God’s Blessings to all!

“Sometimes he is like a balloon that I feel I need to let go, because I can’t hold on all the time, and the balloon wishes to fly free.” – I feel this way all the time, wanting to hang on and cling even though I can’t. Even though I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want me to.

xox

at the same time, i also don’t know if i’m comfortable with the idea that the relationship between joy and sorrow is inverse, that they are two sides of the same coin. something about the way they work over time doesn’t strike me right, but i haven’t given it enough thought.

huh.

sending your joy and your sorrow my witness, my love.