Bought a small “Christmas tree” from Trader Joe’s that comes in a small pot because I needed something green and alive in the kitchen. It’s like a substitute to keep me company in the kitchen, in lieu of my missing baby. “Substitute” is a bad word but I am not having my wits and grace right now.
To signify its meaning to me, I folded a small crane, in blue paper, and propped it amongst the foliage. The girls saw that and wanted to learn that too. I showed them. they were absolutely delighted and had great fun. I wept inside.
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A day or two after, the girls asked for origami paper and started making things like boats and tables, and they ran excitedly to the kitchen and put a few things next to the pot, sayin, “These are gifts for Ferdinand!” Their faces glowed, happy. My heart grew heavier.
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Later that afternoon I started baking a chocolate cake. As I set up the mixer, Sophia eagerly pulled her Stokke over and lifting her little face, asked in the sweetest voice ever, “Can I help you, mummy? Are you baking a cake? I want to help. I want to watch; so when I grow up I can bake, like you. Can I help, please? I want to help.”
And I was still stinging from the emptiness, and I told her, “No, Sophia. I want to be alone now…. ok, you can watch, but you need to be quiet, because I need alone and quiet right now.”
Her face crumpled and dropped. “But, why? Mummy?”
I broke down. “Because I am missing Ferdinand very much right now!”
Right on the heels of my very last word, she burst into tears and wailed, “I miss him too, mummy! I miss Ferdinand too!”
I pulled her in my arms, stroked her hair, kissed her, and told her sometimes it feels so good to cry, especially with people you love. And we smiled at each other through our tears.
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We made some bracelets together. I had bought the kit quite a while back. The girls had fun making bracelets for themselves. Val also decided to make one for R. I told her papa may not want to wear a bracelet, especially when the beads we are using are mostly pink. She insisted that he will wear it. She went to ask him and he said of course he would wear it. And wore it, he did, this plastic, shimmering, pink bracelet. For the whole day.
Sophia wanted to make a small bracelet. “For Ferdinand.” she said. Later I asked her where it is and she said she hung it “on the Ferdinand tree”.
Val also made something for her little brother…
Though when they do things like that, it is so sad to be reminded of Ferdi’s absence, I am also comforted by the fact that they remember, and that they are so filled with joy to be able to do something for him.
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Sophia said she wants to make more of the flower fairies that we made a while ago but that this time she wants to make the babies that are in baskets. I recall we still have some of those tiny baskets so I dug them out and we made baby flower fairies. As so often happens, in the midst of making something, I always decide “One for Ferdinand too.” So I made one, and it is a baby Ferdinand fairy baby in a basket, now hung on our Solstice tree.
I wandered in but couldnt leave without being able to tell you how very very sorry I was to read about the loss of your son.
There are no words beyond that.
You are in my thoughts
Mama Kelly
This one choked me up with its brutal honesty and bittersweet truths. The image of you and your daughter crying and holding each other and smiling was so tender.
…and lovely, lovely ornaments.
xoxo
Leigh