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Treasure

I wrote this on my other blog about our unschooling life, and i wanted to post this here too, with a little addition at the end:

So the new year has begun.

For sure and with absolute certainty, new year resolutions are being challenged and broken already.

I had a vague idea for a guiding principle for myself this year, but after reading this amazing and beautiful post and after reading what she wrote about one word for the new year, I was inspired and a word began to form in my head: Treasure.

Treasure- each precious moment with my husband, my children, my friends, my family, and perhaps even strangers too. Each day, we age, or grow, or develop. Each breath we are renewed and rebirthed. Each moment is precious because we do not know which is the last breath. Today I was at the library and the librarian was very kind and funny. He may not come home with us for dinner, but we brought away with us that kindness and fun and humor. To not take outselves too seriously and to put people at ease. To laugh and be joyful. We may not send each other cards at holidays but he gave us a great gift. I treasure moments like this, when someone enters our lives briefly and sprinkle and shower us with golden sparkles of love and joy and then they exit as quickly. As we gather these little treasured moments, I hope we sprinkle these jewels around too.

And, even though I am slowly coming to accept the eternity of our being, there will one day come the time when all is severed. I will no longer be there, or here. Even if they are in my hearts, and they in mine, my children and I will not be able to exist in the same physical space. And so, I treasure every moment, because it may well be the last. I try to imagine what they will remember of me. Will they remember the first times? Or the last times?– the last time mummy stroked my hair; the last time mummy put my hair up in pigtails; the last time mummy hugged me and we cried about Ferdinand together; the last time she made me toast and slather it with drippy yellow butter; the last time she brushed my teeth for me; the last time she held my hand; the last time I smelled her cooking; the last time she rubbed me all over with lotion and tickled me; the last time we sang together; the last time she yelled at me; the last time she looked into my eyes and smiled. The last time I reach behind their neck and gently push in the size-tag of their shirts; the last time I hear them clamoring while coming down the stairs. The last time I nod absent-mindedly and say “Uh-huh. Yes…. yes… what?!”

I treasure every minute and every second. Good, bad, whatever in-between. At least we were then here. together. in this same space. I treasure people, I treasure things. I treasure every moment I am gifted with. I treasure every experience and every sensation. Every thought. Every word. I treasure.

When other women write of their numbness, or detaching during a pregnancy, because of the losses they had suffered; because the pain made them afraid to hope, and to rejoice;* I know I will want to treasure every moment from the very beginning. I do not want fear. No fear. No trepidation. No doubts. From the second we confirm our intentions, every moment of prayer, every moment of trying and hoping; every moment of suspense in waiting; every moment the new life grows; every moment the new life is in me, I will rejoice and treasure. 

*: I hope this does not come across as a judgment. It is really an observation. I can imagine the pain that such feelings stem from.  I am afraid sometimes too. How will I feel? Will I be detached? Will fear consume everything and leave me gripping in numbness and forget the joy; forget the miracle of it all? I resolve to not have fear; and I fervently pray that other women find their hopes and courage too.

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