I am still in shock. And I fear there is a deep source of anger just waiting to explode from within me. But right now, I am just too dazed, and too shocked. In disbelief.
I hate coming home with my arms empty. Where is my baby Ferdinand?! For a month I have slept on the sheep skin that both girls had also slept on as a baby, so he will smell me when we lay him, so gently and lovingly on it. But now, I put the sheep skin next to me, rubbing my hands over it, feeling only bareness. No warmth. no baby, no son. No hungry, eager mouth rooting for a breast to suckle. Waking up in the night to sob instead of changing yet another wet diaper and rocking in the glider.
I know we all need to grieve; and we are all grieving in different ways. I wish I can do it with such strength, wisdom and grace, but I CANNOT; and I do not wish to. I want to cry when I wish to. My sorrow flows, like the river, swirling fiercely, and it has no end. Ralf and I both sit and cry and blame oneself, although we may never find the reason. I felt bitter resentment when the nurse last night told me she is sad for our loss, but also that she believes that everything happens for a reason. CRAP. I believe in that too. I still do. But I did not want to hear it from her. Somewhere down the road, i will utter that wisdom with calm, but right now, I cannot find that great reason. Not yet.
I am sometimes having such deranged thoughts, I am afraid to tell Ralf. I want to sit in-front of the car-seat and stare and stare and stare until a baby materializes in it. I want to rub ashes into my hair and then tear them all out; I want to sit and beat at my chest until the heart numbs and it feels no more, just a gaping hole of blood and sorrow; I want to claw at my tummy and bite myself all over. I’m afraid if I see a baby I will snatch it and run away and hide in the jungle and nurse it.
I hate it when people tell me to “take it easy.” I know they care and they are concerned. But I don’t know how to take it easy. It hurts to hear them say it’s “Better this way” that he died in the womb as who knows we may raise a very sick child that will give us even more heartaches. I know they wish to dull my pain for me, but it is doing just the opposite. I guess there are just many ways to love…. I know they want me to move on, be healed… …
And so we are glad to be at the cabin, comforted by the nature; knowing that Ferdinand is indeed around us. For the last two days a small yellow butterfly had been fluttering around in the yard. I know it’s Ferdinand watching over us. And yesterday afternoon a young hawk came by and stopped on our deck railing for quite a while. We have ever seen a hawk so up close before. It was pretty amazing…. I look over the yard and see that area where we sat on for the Blessingway, and remember how baby Ferdinand had been surrounded by so much love; it was just immense, and perhaps is the only thing that comforts my heart. He brought us in touch with so much beauty, and love and gratitude, and joy; I feel I have given him back poorly. I asked for another chance.
It is going to rain. Lightning is dancing across the sky and the thunder rolls and rumbles loudly. If only I can pour my sorrow out in this way; on such a grand scale, in torrents, and cares not for any limits! I cry, and I stop. R cries, and he stops. My poor R, how he grieves! But I am proud of him, and I know Ferdinand will be too, to know that he connects with his feelings and showed them. As we drove home this morning after the cremation, he broke down and told Valerie that Ferdinand is already flying amongst the clouds.. and that if it rains this afternoon, there will be a few molecules of Ferdinand in the air. Yes, Ferdinand is around us all the time; he probably sent the rain to wash over our bleeding hearts, to soothe our aching hearts; and arms that yearn so fiercely for a baby to hold!
My baby, I ache and pine for you. I miss you so terribly. But I know you want to travel…… so fly and be free!!! But remember to come visit mama often in her dreams, and tell me stories of all your wonderful adventures and all the places you have been to… …. you are really the other part of your papa’s and mama’s dreams, who loves to travel the world freely and feel the wind blowing in our faces and ruffling in our hair…. you complete our dreams… …