The planner I have runs out in June. And it is stuffed full with… stuff. Torn-out magazine pages with products to look into, exotic destinations to drool over, sale notices, scribbled book lists, new recipes to try out. Every week there is a thin stack of these pages in my planner, and when I did not have time to go over them, I stick them into the next pages, thinking that the following week I will be awarded with an extra 50 hours to frolick on the internet drooling over things I do not need or cannot afford.
As I said my planner runs out in June so I now have a bunch of stuff with no place to go (or stick into). It seems my life comes to a stop at the end of June. In June we are going on two road trips, one longer and one shorter, and I have family visiting right at the end of the month. We have no plans for July because we do not know what may happen- the cabin may sell, R may find a new job.
In July is also Ferdinand’s anniversary. Third year.
In some ways I try to push the date out of my head. But in reality the anticipation never ceases. I know it will come. And I remember how hard it was the first year, staring down the date. And I remember how the day itself felt almost like an anti-climax, because everything was mundane as ever– the earth did not explode into a million pieces, and the mail was delivered as usual. And I remember feeling worse the day after. Because “it” was not over. The day may have passed, but “it” was not over. Time just keeps flying by and 364 days later the day will re-surface again.
Life goes on, death goes on. The memories surface, gets buried by stuff, gets dug up again.
The days will continue, with the illusion that it is a line that goes further and further away, a line that adds to wrinkles on the face and sagging cheeks and knees. But time is not a line, it is a circle. It will come back, with the smells of memories still rather fresh and poignant.
It will come back, because a line is a circle, a circle is a line. It will come back, because love never vanishes. How can I forget?