I do not normally dream, but I had one, two nights ago.
In the dream I saw Lyra cycling into the river, she was about as old as she is now, maybe slightly older. I watched in shock and then I saw R jumping into the river, yelling that he was going to get her. In my mind’s eye I saw her sinking like a rock right to the bottom.
I turned and ran. I was screaming but no sound came from me. I was running to find towels. Why? I had no idea.
I found towels and I ran back, thinking, “She is dead. She is dead.”
And then I woke up. I could not believe I had such a dream. She turns two this Sunday, it almost seem like an omen, a bad one. I willed myself back to sleep, wanting to know what happened afterwards in the dream. Did R get her in time? Or did the thing I fear happened?
I could not shake it off. I told R the following morning and he tried to brush it off, saying it’s a common parenting fear and it just manifested in my dream. I wondered if Life was trying to warn me to be more vigilant, or to be ready for cruelty.
How I wish I could go back and erase the dream. For I could not convince myself that it was the brain getting confused and playing tricks. It did not feel like a random thing to me and I just could not shrug it off as my latent fear and nothing more.
She will be two this Sunday. I plan to make her a tall, colorful cake. And I intend to bake her a cake each and every year, until she is sick of my cakes.
Please, let me bake her a cake every year, until I die.