It’s been uttered in this circle before, this incongruent feeling of selfishness that can arise, when, in the aftermath of our children’s death, we are able to feel deeper, and feel such profound compassion for others. But, it seems, the compassion we are able to feel, are towards people in similar suffering. It sure is hard to affect compassion for someone in painful recovery from a massive cosmetic surgery or such likes.
I feel the same, and sometimes it scares me, to be honest. I can weep on demand, easy peasy, no problem. My heart wrenches for others who have to suffer a loss, who have to endure the pain of a child’s illness and death. Every time after the end of my meditation I offer thanks and gratitude for all that I have (baby, the girls, husband, family, friends, the chance to be on this earth) and then I offer healing (to myself, to my children, my husband, my family, fellow mums with broken hearts, anyone on earth who needs healing). Oh, I am here for you, I read your words, I comment, I think of you often, I hold you in my heart. I re-assure, I concur, I shake fists at the clueless intruders. There are also times when I have no words, just don’t know what to say, but I put my chin to my chest, thinking of you, mightily.
Some will say I am not living in the real world. Heck, but what is “real”? Some will say I am escaping to a virtual world of grief and moruning. Well, this is all I’ve got now, and I see the beauty of it, and the beauty in it.
But what about my “real” friends? People who exist around me, within driving distances? How do I treat and regard them?
All I can say is, I am trying my best. Really my utmost best. But I know it is far far far far far far far far from who I really want to be, yearn to be. Yes, I have been selfish. I have been guarding my space- pacing up and down, a low growl in my throat, like a wild cat; my eyes piercing into the dark, my ears pricked for any curious intruder. Any movement and I am ready to pounce, swipe and de.vour.
I don’t know how else to be. This is who I am now, and this is where I am now. Some days I feel ok, I welcome the warmth I feel and raise my face to the sun, my arms and heart wide open and overflowing with so much gratitude, love, and all those good lovey-dovey feelings. Some days, the rock falls and shuts out that hole in my cave, stealing away all the light. And suddenly, I feel sore and tender all over again. I realize, sometimes with a pang of shock, that, I am still bleeding, still hurting. Then I double over and writhe, tears flowing, heart throbbing, and not really understanding. But I know, when a time like this comes, I have to stay there, because no matter how far and how fast I run, I will slam into the wall. I try to listen, feel, accept, integrate, work that scab over again, while trying to remember all the time- breathe. And in yoga, they say the longer and deeper you breathe, the faster it will go by.
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The truth is, I do not see myself as being always good at articulating my needs. I’ve sometimes said “yes” when really I wanted to scream, “Hell, NO!!” I am also not especially good at asking for and accepting things. I hate to admit it, but I like to think I am above all needs, wants and desires. (I guffawed at this last sentence. Who am I fooling?? Send me a good box of truffles and I am your slave. I am also looking for some ideas for good, cute shoes, by the way. And oh, the (cook)books I have been eyeing? Long list I’ve got there. And really, chartering a private plane to Las Vegas just to watch Cirque du Soleil’s “O”, with the best seats possible? I would like that very much, thank you thank you!)
The truth is, ladies (I don’t think there are gentlemen who read this blog), I have been selfish. Yeah, shoot me. We are no longer active (except for an occasional squirm) in any of the homeschool groups we are in. Before, I would be organizing trips, suggesting activity ideas, doing this and that. Now? I could care less if it’s Peace Day or Justice Festival or similar such lofty events. I just want to get through my day unscathed. And that, I tell you, is no mean feat.
I have also created a lot of space between me and my friends. Well, I am not sure I am still considered a friend, or I have been relegated to the status of mere acquaintence, given my bad behavior the past months, but anyways.. yes, I had right from the beginning asked for, and begged for space. I know this has made for many wringing hands. Usually, when something happens, the first thing that gets organized is a food brigade. It is a tangible way of showing love and concern. But food was the last thing on my mind back then. So, my friend M got together some friends to make a whole lot of origami cranes for us. At least they can be doing something, and I do like origami quite a lot. I’ve already written about this elsewhere before, but I’ll repeat here, this was such a sweet gesture and really made me cry. I was not without guilt though. I felt as if I had spread this plague of sadness through my circle, and now people have to work through it as well. Those paper cranes, they are so light… yet so heavy, with love and sorrow and empathy.
It took me a long time to come out into the light, to slowly meet a few people. It was damn bloody hard. I felt disfigured by grief, in every sense of the word. My body betrayed signs of extra weight, those of a previous baby and the heavy weight of mourning. My face, I was afraid, was often contorted and twisted as I tried to smile a bit when all I wanted to do was to wail and scream. Like a worm afraid of the light, I came out a little bit, then immediately burrowed back in.
Up till now, I have not been able so sustain any regular contact with any single person. Not that I do not treasure my friends, but simply because I am unable to revert to “normal” yet. I am trying to find that new normal, and I think I am making progress, albeit slowly. But as we all know, not everyone around us bereaved are patient.
I got to writing this because recently I have been accused of dictating my relationship with a friend. She told me it is not fair for me to dictate our relationship based only on my needs at whatever emotional place I was at. She said this week I want support, and next week I do not want it, and she is forced to abide and for her, “my relationships do not function only on one person’s needs.”
Well, now I do wish there is a Justice Day around here. I have never at any point felt I can dictate any of my friendships. And I have always asked for support. I have always asked for space, I so need it. I’m a private person in this sense, with regard to my grieving and dealing. It sounds contradictory, since i am writing a public blog about my grieving journey, except I do not know how else to find people who understands the pain that I feel. So, I am puzzled by my friend’s words. And, it did make me wonder about what a selfish person I have been.
But you know what? I feel good being selfish during this period. I need to be. I don’t want people calling me and knocking on my door delivering meals, stroking my back, handing me tissues while I sob, or anything like that. I just want to be in my own space to process everything, and boy, am I still processing! Back and forth, back and forth, meandering here and there, I am trying to forge a new life, and a new identity. I need your support- here, hold the space. But she felt by asking for space I am pushing her away. I don’t know how to explain to her, and I am starting to feel tired about having to explain. You know all those things people claim about how the world can be divided into two groups of people, based on different things? (love/hate chocolate; love/hate artichokes; love/hate ABBA, etc) I have my own black and white theory on this one- people who get it; and people who don’t. Although, I don’t think it is a matter of intelligence we’re talking about here, maybe it’s got to do more with one’s life experience, or even whether people want to understand or not.
I do not wish to air my dirty laundry too much, but I am really, really discombobulated. I feel I can sit here all day and make excuses for myself, but perhaps I should ask- am I just a selfish jerk? Because you know what else? I have also been informed by said friend that I have damaged her kids, during those weeks I had asked for space, starting back in June. I have been told her six-year-old is confused by the “separation” and she did not understand why we are not seeing each other. In her words, “My children depended upon your love and the love of your kids in their lives. And, you took that away without even considering or asking them about their feelings.”
Should I be flattered that somebody else’s kids are dependent upon my love? Please do not be misled. I am no Mother Teresa. I try to pay attention to my friends’ kiddos, and I try to engage with them as best as I can and I try to treat them with respect. Whatever best I can do. But I am pretty sure I do not love them as my own, and never had I attempted to create that illusion that I was doing so. I am floored, if you can’t tell. As for taking my love away from them and “separation” and all that jazz? I. Just. Don’t. Know. What. To. Say.
When I asked for space from my friends, I was speaking to the adults, not the kids. I had faith in my friends that they had the maturity and capability to explain that period of our non-existence in their social world to their kids, however they deemed appropriate. I left it up to their discretion as to how much or how little they wished to discuss with their children what this space is all about, why we are needing it, if they want to discuss about grieving/mourning/healing, if they want to bring Ferdinand into the whole picture.
I don’t know, now I think maybe i should have handed out bulleted lecture notes? Pamphelts that suggest “How to explain about grieving space to your children”?
Because, I do not even want to think what said friend told her six-year-old. I can only use very wild imagination, and I am not liking what I am fantasizing…
I guess, what I am trying to find here, is your honest opinion. Have I become sick in my grieving? Am I destroying other people’s lives, especially those of a kid?!?! (I really do not dare to have such a high opinion of myself, to have such capabilities.) Is my selfishness unwarranted? Is it time for me to get over it already? (Coz, I am not ready.)
Because, to be honest, at least within the confines of my domestic realm, I think I am doing pretty ok. Really. My kids have not had a whole lot of social interaction (which I sometimes feel is over-rated, but that’s a whole other discussion) these past months but I don’t think they are warped. Yet. I try to be there for them, I try to be present for them, as much as I can. It is hard, given my elder is a babbler, she can talk your ears off, totally, and sometimes sound grates on my nerves. But I try. When we are not out being social creatures, I stand in as much as I can. And the thing is, I have observed my children need alone time, sometimes from each other, sometimes from me, you know- the omnipotent mother. I’ve found the joy in cooking again, and it has been nice getting compliments from my girls. I am able to let go and do some silly things together with them. I try to be their mother as best as I can, though I will admit I still selfishly guard my space sometimes.
But I am more generous with my own children. With my friends, I will freely admit that I have learned to be unabashed in asking for space, being absent, and not showing up (I asked a fellow mum if the girls can go to her daughter’s party unchaperoned because it was Ferdinand’s month, and I was starting to show and did not desire idle conversation with strangers about my pregnancy. She graciously said yes and the girls had a blast and this mum, whom I only got to know a few months back, did not even harp further on the fact that I abandoned my girls at a party). I am ok showing up empty-handed, whereas before I had to bring a baked something. I don’t think I celebrated much with my friends the past year, although I will take up arms with you if you say I totally do not care for my friends at all. I actually do, and I try my best possible, but it is still far from where I was, and where I would really like to be.
During my interview with Lorraine Ash (I know… the interview will be live on GITW November 4. I promise. If you go visit today, you’ll know why, and what we’ve cooked up for the coming weeks..), she mentioned it was only now, at her nine-year-mark of losing her daughter, that she is able to feel strong in her heart. She talked about the necessity of oneself healing first, before reaching out- that time in the cave is truly needed, she assured me. She talked about friends who could not deal, people who could not face up to this kind of grieving. I am being a big spoiler here now, I’ll stop. But I think if you will be patient, you will like that interview, but I’ll let you tell me then!
Now, talk to me about selfishness… …
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