Photos of the aftermath of the fire that nearly came through our community.
We drove up last week and took a small hike up a small hill to see where the fire stopped. It was rather close. If the wind direction had not changed, you will read of my cursings as we file papers with our insurance company. Although, at that time of fire, I was truly not afraid of losing the cabin. It was, just a thing.
The day before the fire broke out R told me he met this new family that bought the house (on foreclosure) up the hill. They had arrived the night before to realize electricity was not turned on and they did not even have flashlights. (People– never ever go anywhere without a flashlight. Always keep one in your glove compartment for goodness sake, even if it’s a pen-sized one.) As we fled, I could not help thinking of that family and what a bizarre welcome it was to the neighborhood. (Like us, that was their summer home of sorts.)
We passed by their house when we took the small walk. They have three boys. As we walked past we saw the youngest, about five, dragging some branches up to the roadside for disposal. He caught sight of us, nodded importantly, and waved to us as if to say, “I am helping out, doing very important work!”
I walked a few steps more, turned back, looked at him again and try to imagine I have a son like that, with much darker hair, perhaps half the size, begging his father to let him have a go at the axe to chop firewood.
It makes me horribly sad when I do things like that. I feel terrible and I feel sad and I feel trapped in time. I remind myself that this is the test, to never have what you want and yet be okay with it. Life is not about what you want, but discovering what you have within you, when you do not just so easily have things fall into your lap. From time to time I write my “I am grateful for… …” lists and I know I am blessed. Yesterday I even told myself, You have everything that you need. You do not want. Now you just need to be a better person.
One day I just have to be okay with it. And lay myself open to all kinds of possibilities. I one day thought I would look into a young man’s eyes and know Ferdinand, touch and be touched, somehow, in a most surreal moment, know that he is unlimited and unbounded by a physical and human body. I don’t know why I think that but I just felt something like that may happen some day. Maybe I need to focus only on non-fiction books.
That necklace that I pondered over? I received a coupon code and thought what the heck I will just order it. I can always return it. It arrived today and I think it is gorgeous and just perfect. Truly two perfect circles leaving that sliver of a crescent, that little void that is my son. I loved it. I tried it on and wish I have a long, silky white neck, but that I doubt I can order online. I had not said a word but Sophia told me, “It’s like the moons, mom, and it reminds me of Ferdinand.”
I looked at her and she smiled shyly.
“Why, Sophia? Why would it remind you of Ferdinand?”
She told me there were sparkles (very subtle ones) on the circle, and they reminded her of stars and thus, Ferdinand. I explained to her that I was thinking of F when I bought the necklace, and explained to her about the two perfect circles, one void, one solid, and the tiny space they create between them, and of the moon phases and then I started to choke.
It is a delicate necklace, simply beautiful. But I am not sure it will stand up to Lyra’s curious and strong fingers.