Playin catch-up

“Playing catch-up” because I have not touched the computer in a week. I thought I was going to die without internet and email but I did fine, at least the past week!

With the time though, I have been doing some looking-back; reflecting upon this incredible journey, thinking of the entries I have written for this journal, amazed at how much I had written; how long people had stuck around, and how this journey had involved sifting through the dusty pages in my mind, working out some kinks and knots in my heart, and scattering my thoughts out to the Universe.

It had made me feel again that it’s time to write a gratitude journal, because I would not have done it without the tremendous support I had received….

~ from the very beginning, words of encouragement, support and assurance that I can do it; that I was worthy to be a mum third time around

~ all the support through through the first trimester, which was the most difficult

~ all those listening ears and helping hands and people just being there, throughout the entire rest of the journey

~ the wonderful women who hosted and cooked at cooking day; standing by the grill flipping literally hundreds of pancakes; braving the heat and cooking chicken on the grill

~ generous and amazing women who had offered to cook/ bake for after the birth

~ M who organized a wonderful, beautiful Blessingway for me at the cabin; and the women who came and touched me with their beautiful hearts

~ Chiro Jenny, who made a big difference to my physical and mental being; who was so generous with her time and her heart

~ neighbors at the cabin who looked after the girls, offered help, support and love

~ strangers who simply made my day

~ strangers who pushed my buttons and made me think

~ wonderful midwife R and her calm-my-heart assistant M, my powerful birth team, whom I totally trust and believe in

I have changed, in body, in mind, in spirit. No coincidences. An orchestration of the Universe’s intention, my response, and the love and support of all those incredible people around me, who may not even realize what angels and beautiful souls they are. Thank you all.

I wonder if I next write, it will be writing the Birth Story of this Little One?

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Letter to little one

THE ALCHEMY OF LOVE
Jalal-al-Din Rumi

You come to us
From another world

From beyond the stars
And void of space.
Transcendent, Pure,
Of unimaginable beauty,
Bringing with you
The essence of love.

You transform all
Who are touched by you.
Mundane concerns,
Troubles and sorrows
Dissolve in your presence,
Bringing joy
To ruler and ruled
To peasant and king
You bewilder us
With your grace.
All evils
Transform into
Goodness.

You are the master alchemist.

You light the fire of love
In earth and sky
In heart and soul
Of every being.

Through your loving
Existence and nonexistence merge.
All opposites unite.
All that is profane
Becomes sacred again.

My Dear Little One,

do you remember how you fell into my womb? From a mysterious place, far beyond the stars, the Universe, far from where my bare, foolish eyes will never see… … you came. So sudden. So unexpected. It is as if you heard my wish and granted it immediately, with a shrug of mischievous smile and bubbling, joyous energy.

Yet, I have to apologize… … in the beginning, I did not receive you with joy. I apologize deeply, with shame, blood and tears. Just weeks before, my body was aching and feverish with the thought of another baby. Yes! I wanted another one! Please! I whispered fiercely to your father, my head on his chest, my hand gripping his in fervent wish. He nodded, and I did not see the magical white dove flutter away from outside the window that night. We had our sights set on a year later.

And you came much, much sooner. Now i know why. Joyful things cannot wait. Now, my pure, wonderful baby, I know why. This pregnancy is to be a journey for me… one that will change me, and so, so much for the better. This pregnancy is not just about carrying a seed of life to term, it is also about the nurturing of my heart and soul; it is also about my growth as a person, a human being, a mortal, a woman, a mother. It has taken me so long to realize, my little one! I am ashamed that I have been so foolish and stupid. Dense. Blind. Closed.

But now I thank YOU, my heart full of gratitude, overflowing with love, and aching with joy and happiness!

In the beginning, I was dismayed. Because a baby was not in our plans for the coming year. Not in the budget (can you believe that?!) I was supposed to try to start a business. I was going to embark on a serious venture to get rid of my flabby belly that had clung on to me obstinately and mockingly…. such lofty goals my baby! I guess that’s why you came, to remind me that I can do more than that. To help avert my eyes from the mundane to the miraculous. To help me soar and fly, not writhe and squirm!

Oh, my baby! I am so sorry for my initial pathetic response to news of you! How my large, clumsy and foolish ego, consumed by “plans” and timeline, money and budget, blinded me from the sheer and immense and sacred joy of nurturing a life within me. I looked at the two parallel pink lines on the stick and said, “No! This CANNOT be!” I was filled with fear; images of two past births flashing before my eyes. I was also stupid and so terribly impossible can’t-think-of-a-word-to-describe-it, thinking how I need to change plans, review the budget, and all those silly things! Haven’t I for years, known that plans are just that- plans? In Chinese we talk about Tian shi Di Li Ren he— Heaven and Earth conspires with the human realm. The Universe had grand plans for me. Grandiose plans! Beautiful plans! They have repositioned me gently and pointed me to embark on an incredibly glorious journey, and gifted me with a seed of shining star in my womb and there I was, sitting on the toilet, staring at the light-switch and thinking, “This cannot be!”- still arrogant and indignant that my “plans” had been thrown into disarray! Forgive me, my son, for not having welcomed the announcement of your precious existence with grace, wisdom, joy and gratitude.

On the other hand, know that your father reacted much more nobly than I did. He was joyful. He laughed gently at my dismal, told me the budget can be adjusted and gave me a big, warm, assuring hug. “You can do it; we can do it.” he said. “Didn’t you want another one?” he reminded me with a hint of loving mockery. Yes, indeed. Only the fool weeps upon the granting of a wish.

Slowly, my mind and heart shifted. Slowly, like thick, molten larva moving across a cold surface. Slowly, I awakened from my own stupor. I began to understand, and to remember that things happen for a reason. I started to laugh at our blatant fertility! I began to marvel at the power of Thought! I started to skip; began to smile secretively and laugh like an idiot that my wish had been granted so fast, so easy! I began to see how lucky I am, to not have to wait- something I am so NOT good at. I put my hands on my belly and sigh many happy sighs, and gave myself many mental slaps for my foolishness.

I also came to realize, that my unreadiness told of work to be done. On myself and for myself, and the loved ones around me. Ghosts and spirits of past hung around me, and I needed to talk to them. So I started to journal. I was afraid I will get lazy, or afraid, and give up halfway (or sooner, as evidenced by many journals I have that are only filled for several pages), so I took the leap and invited a few people to read my journal so I stay accounted. And then I just wrote away without a care, because I trusted those who would read. I refused to let myself pause for even a nanosecond and think, “What will these women think of me then?” No. That will again be letting vanity and ego take over. I just wanted to be FREE and write. I trusted the Universe to open its arms and let me just belt it all out. I trusted them to read what they wanted, and think what they wished. It did not matter what they thought, but it mattered that I wrote, and wrestled, and sorted things out. It mattered that I be honest and authentic, and cared more about being myself, about being true to the moment, and not orchestrate my words to impress, or to misguide.

And I was lucky, my son. They just let me write. They pulled their colorful blankets about their shoulders, sat by the roaring fire and listened with compassion. I am so blessed. Because that had healed me. So deeply and totally. I let go of that little girl inside of me who had felt hurt and abandonment for years. That little girl who heard things like: “Now you know you were not a planned baby.”; “You were really so small and ugly when you were born, no one dared to touch or carry you!” The little girl who for years grew up without a “mother” and in fact tried to avoid her mother. That little girl is OK now. She is all good. She has grown, and she is walking with a light and happy heart, honored to be a mother for the third time. She is filled with awe, gratitude and delight for her opportunity to nurture a life within her, and then outside of her.

My dear son, I bow humbly and ask forgiveness for the initial horrific welcome I gave you. It must be awful to be treated like a sore thumb when indeed you should be regarded as an honored guest. You are not only an honored guest, but also have been a bright, shining, beautiful star. You have guided me to a glowing, bright path I know I should now gladly walk on; and you have guided wonderful and beautiful people and things into my life- amazing women, heartwarming experiences and awe-inspiring incidences. These are all gifts to me and i accept them all with great delight and deep gratitude. None were coincidences. Things happen for a reason. Always for a very, very good reason.

I thank you once again, my dear son, for giving me this incredible honor to be your mother. Thank you for allowing me to be the womb that carries a bright, shiny star. Thank you for guiding me along on this incredible, earth-shattering, amazing journey. Thank you for your patience and wisdom. Thank you for this opportunity to learn and discover. Thank you for my third birth; my third swelling; and my third spiraling and opening as a woman. Thank you for expanding my world and opening my eyes. My heart is filled with joy and gratitude . My being is filled with warmth and gratitude from the over-flowing human kindness and universal compassion and wisdom. I know I have much to learn, and people to walk with me on this path, especially my precious children, especially you.

Thank you, thank you.

Sat Nam,
Mama

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Heart in mouth

ok, that’s it! Today is the “last day” the the valley, tonight we drive up, and the next time I step into this house in Chandler again, we will be a family of five!

I am thrilled, really. I feel excited, and sometimes think I am going to pass out.

From excitement, from nervous energy, from the overwhelming amount of things to think of! Stuff for me to eat; for the rest of the family to eat; books, clothes & stuff for the gals, myself, and baby. Cooking equipment and ingreds for the confinement; the recipes, the menu, the instructions, etc etc etc!

A few things I have learnt:
1. EVERYTHING **always** takes LONGER then you think it will take.
2. You are always interrupted in life, esp when there is a timeline dangleing somewhere.
3. Something will always get forgotten.
4. Something is always left undone, or needs to be abandoned.
5. You never ever can cheat your body.

Elaborate Lesson #5: I have cheated sleep a few nights to do stuff, journal, work in the girls’ room. Ralf nags and nags and I wave him off. My eyes feel dry. I do some yoga, and meditation, hoping to work miracles. I go to Jenny, my super-duper chiro, lay on the adjusting table, she touches me and said, “You have been doing too much, haven’t you?” Dang. How did she know? My body betrayed me. My nervous system betrayed me. She tried to release the tension for me, and no joke, after that, even though I went to a friend’s house for a relaxing lunch, I went home with a terrible headache and felt like dying. After dinner I dec’d to take a relaxing bath and just could not get comfy. I broke down and took the last Tylenol in the house and went to sleep.

I’ll have to cook a few batches of fried rice for freezing when at the cabin. Of course i did not do it this week, and please do not let me think about the number of things i will NOT get done when we leave tonight. When Ralf said, you are doing too much and not resting; you are abusing your body and i replied, “But look at the house! The mess!” and he said No matter, this is the crucial stage, rest, rest, rest!! I wanna duct tape his mouth. If he comes up with a decent name for the baby I will forgive him. Upstairs looks great, downstairs is still chaos. maybe I shd have started downstairs, but it just looks too daunting. I need a dynamite, that’s what I need. Or a fairy crew of very good cleaners and packers.

Cecille had offered to make dinner one day next week, she is so thrilled that we will be staying up there for a while; and we are so sad that she is really going to move. next week her house is going to go on the market, sigh* She also wants to bring me and the gals to town for movie one night and we’re going to watch “Ratatouille”, yeah! I’m looking forward to it but sad that Ralf will not be with us. Cecille is so kind and nice to us. She’s like an angel sent to us.

I haven’t been feeling much Braxton-Hicks; not sure if I am not paying enough attention or just really thick-skinned and maybe my system is just totally dysfunctional. Anyway, so I think I will carry baby to full-term. But, who knows?

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Letter

My Dear Little One,

 

This week is week 38.

 

I laid in bed last night and thought, “So what’s the significance of 37? Or 38? Or 39? Or even 40?”

 

Maybe it helps me plan and gives me some hope- I still have two weeks to try to finish my will-never-ever-be-finished-unfinished-business (you might as well know now in advance, I am a big procrastinator and gets side-tracked all the time). Still two weeks to be a mum-plus-two entity with your two older sisters. Still time to grapple with the reality of being a mother of three.

 

Heck, and we still have two weeks to scare the hell out of people when we go out to stores and such. Maybe we should have some fun with that! Go into a bank and threaten to go into labor unless they give us a million bucks. Something like that. I wish you can see the faces of some people; how they cannot believe their eyes that I am actually walking (with proper gait) into a store when I should be in a spasm of some sort, desperately asking for the ambulance! When you grow up, I hope you can be more sensible about such things. Poor you, because of my experiences, you are going to get a lot of such “education” drummed into your head! But your old mum will be so proud when you tell a big, pregnant lady, “You must be so proud to be carrying your baby, a Life in you.” Instead of saying (like the guy at TJ the other day), “Oh boy! You look close!”

 

But really, I want two opposing things- to tear like a whirlwind through the house, putting everything right, and doing all the sewing that needs to be done. And, just being restful and reading and thinking and writing and spending time with your two sisters. Grant me the time. And some wisdom too, please.

 

We still do not have a name, and it starts to bug me a little. Why are boys’ names so difficult? With girls you can almost get away with anything- Goldie, Queenie, Ruby, Sapphire, Diamond, if you wish… … but boys’ name are either really unique (or weird, depending on your perspective), or downright traditional. Maybe we have not researched enough. I am still thinking. I promise, I won’t name you “Susie”.

 

It is early Wednesday morning and on Friday we are driving up to the cabin and we’re going to stay put there until you decide to swim out of me into this world. It may be wet, as the monsoon season seems to be in place up in the mountains. I am really excited about this. A little nervous too. Sometimes I think of crazy things going wrong, but most times I feel rather peaceful about this birth. I think we are going to have a beautiful birth. I know we will. You show me, I will listen; and together we will dance, and do the mighty universal exhalation.—Isn’t that a beautiful, powerful thought? I stole that line from someone’s poem. She wrote that Birth is the mighty Universal exhalation. What a powerful way to frame birth! It inspires me to breathe deeply and spiritually for us. It gave me gorgeous images of you being exhaled gently, sliding like a fish into an amazing sea of Love.

Oh, I start to feel sleepy. I am tired after a long, crazy day and the next days are going to be equally crazy and hectic as we prepare for the “move” up to the cabin. Please bear with me if my heart-rate will elevate a little. Your father cannot stop chiding me about trying to do too much. He just has no idea what is too much and what needs to be done. You chill out inside and let me handle things for a while, ok? And by the way, your father is quite tired and burnt out. I asked how he is going to manage, and he said if I can keep you inside until about the 25^th, he will have a few days to rest and hopefully be rejuvenated, so he can be 100% there to support me during the birth and after. I humbly put this request to you. I know it is sacrilegious. Just not right. But this is a heart-felt request. You father has been working his butt out and throwing his life out on the line. I would really love to have him being strong and with a peaceful heart to support us in our birth journey together. Do consider, yes?

 

I better go to bed now. I know the party has just begun for you, groove on!

 

Lots of love,

Mummy.

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My heart is soft and lumpy and out of shape (Letter to my girls)

My dear girls,

I looked at the calendar and is in disbelief that it is July. July! The month we have all been waiting for because that is when the baby will come. In about three weeks, baby is going to come. Baby that you have been waiting for and so excited over. You keep asking if baby is coming today? Or tonight? Or maybe tomorrow? Oh, I have no answer. Baby will decide, and the Universe will conspire.

I looked at the two of you sleeping deeply and it made me smile and feel all warm and funky; and it made me want to crawl back into bed and cuddle with you. But I have this letter I wanted to write before your little baby brother comes.

I wanted to write about the wonderful, beautiful, awesome, fantastic, amazing things you have done to me. That you have given me. I am so very thankful that you two came into my life. You really poked at my heart, so I know where my heart is. You stretch and pull it, so I realize that it can get bigger. You tug at it so I know how tender it is. You make me feel how strong my heart is, how tender and how powerful love is. You make me understand how you can love a life so tenderly, and yet be so fierce to protect that life. You make me understand the sorrow that a mother has to accept sometimes. You make me worried sometimes and it made my heart do funny things and feel really weird. You, you two! sometimes you treat mummy so tender and so full of unconditional, awesome love, my heart just melts. It melts like golden butter on hot, hot pancakes (like those we love to eat) and then it flows all through my body, spreading that wonderful, tingly feeling of Love, love, Love, and never-ending happiness.

Yes, my dear, darling, precious girls, Mummy is a little afraid you will be a bit sad when baby comes. When we dance to a new tune, and we are all awkward and not sure where to step or turn, when to pause and the tempo is so raw and new; we may get frustrated. Mummy is afraid you will cry and think mummy does not love you anymore. But you must understand, and I know you DO, that mummy Love is something that can never, ever, ever be diminished. Valerie you say that so often, “You will always love me, no matter what, and for a long, long time, right?” Yes, right, Right! But Sophia you always ask me, “Do you love me?” And then you will tell me, “I love you so very much.” and it makes me swell with so much pride, you have no idea!

Yesterday it was so warm I had to take a cold bath to cool off. I laid in the tub and felt the heat from my body dissipate into the water, rapidly warming it up. You two came upstairs, grinning and curious to see what mummy is up to. You asked if you can dip your fingers into the tub when I told you indeed I need a COOL bath right then. You asked if you can touch my belly. I started to take a scoop and pour water over my belly, concerned that baby may get too heated up. Sophia you asked to help. You are like that these days; you keep asking, “Can I help?” and saying “I can really do it, you know.” You took the scoop and poured water over my belly and baby moved. You smiled and observed that maybe you should put less water in the scoop so it’s not as heavy and you will have better control when pouring. You kept doing it, and then putting your little hand on my belly to feel where baby is. You did it so gentle and loving I felt like you are my mother and I am your child. I felt you were taking care of me, protecting me and loving me so much more than I ever deserve to be. I closed my eyes and smiled, feeling in total bliss. Feeling so touched and so fortunate I was going to cry.

You both like to talk about how to take care of the baby. When we go shopping you are jumping in excitement all over the place looking for stuff to buy for baby. Sometimes you forget and bring me a pretty dress, asking, “How about this for the baby, mummy?” and often you will simply declare, “I think baby will luuuuuurrrrrrvvvvveeee this toy! We got to get it, mummy!” You get so thrilled when I agree that we will buy a small toy, or if I consent to buy a shirt for the baby that you picked out. I cannot help but imagine how you will be like as mothers; it is so exciting, and you know what? — even as a third-time mom, even if I should “know the ropes” by now, your innocent excitement just makes my toes curl and I wanna roll on the floor and giggle with you, and butterflies flutter and fly out of my heart, blossoms upon blossoms of roses bloom furiously in my heart and I can just die from such delirious happiness. Really, I think you bring me so much more Joy than I ever bring you. You Love me so much more than I ever know how to love anybody. You gals are awesome. You rock, babes.

We have a few weeks more before baby comes. But things are already changing. Things started changing when I found out I was pregnant, back in Fall last year. You also started changing too….. it’s certainly not an overnight thing. You play quietly while I take a nap, drawing me pictures and cards and leaving them by my head so I see them when I wake up. Sometimes you are very noisy though, and it made me annoyed and frustrated. But I know it is sometimes just hard for you to control yourselves, esp if you are excited; or agitated with each other. But to me, it’s almost as if you have grown so much all of a sudden! At the thrift store, I keep picking out clothes that are a tad too small for you, because in my mind, you are always small and my babies. But when I put the shirts against your chests, and the pants against your waists, I know I have grossly under-estimated my baby gals. No, no, you are no longer baby gals! You are beautiful young ladies, blossoming… … I so LOVE to watch you grow. I feel honored to witness your development. I know I have at times been impatient, and sometimes just downright nasty and totally incompetent, but you’ve never made it a point to highlight that to me. You shrug it off so cool and expect me to do better the next time. This is something I need to learn better, a very important lesson you have taught me.

Oh, my dear girls! All those things I want to say to you! They are lost… I cannot put them fast enough into words. I do fervently hope you hear my words; that you feel so intensely what I feel and wanna say, when I look at you and smile and wanna burst in happiness and bliss. I pray and pray that we have a long, long road ahead of us. I don’t care what road and what scenery it takes us through. I just wanna be with you and be your mummy. I will be there; the road can be narrow, windy, muddy, full of spiders and snakes and slugs and traps and scary things; or big and bright and sunny, filled with rainbows and butterflies and fragrant meadows; I wanna feel your hands in mine as we go through it all. Please, I pray often, in the night, let me have as much time as possible with my girls, my darling daughters!

Listen, girls, and pray listen and engrave this to heart, that Love multiplies and multiplies. You have changed my heart; made it beautiful and weathered and heavy and light. You are always in my heart; each in a special spot reserved just for you. No matter what happens, mummy loves you to the end of the world.

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When you see…

a Tree, what do you think of?
Do you think of its deep roots spreading and reaching beneath the ground and how it gathers strength from the earth and the water to grow tall and grand?
Do you think of its green, luscious leaves that rustle in the breeze and sends music across the land?
Do you think, Life?
Do you think of the seasons it had lived through and wonder what stories it has to tell?
Do you think, Fruits?
Do you think, children amongst the branches, squealing in delight?
Do you think, where paper comes from?
Do you think, where houses come from?

And, when you see me, a pregnant woman with a big belly, what do you think?–
Do you think, ah, the miracle of Life grows within?
Do you think, a baby is soon to be born and loved, and cherished? And of all the possibilities this baby has ahead of him?
Do you think, what a joyful weight to be carrying around?
Do you think, what a round shape, what a secretive cosmos lies within?
Do you think, how is the mother faring? Do you hope she has all the womanly support she has that you did not have?
Do you smile, and think of the tiny baby clothes you once held in your hands?
Do you hear, eyes closed, the lullabies hummed to you, when you were but a tiny little one, with not a care in the world?

What we think, how we react, is a reflection of our mindset. This is an exercise for me right now. For I am only getting more comments about how BIG I am! But no one put her arm on mine, and ask, “How are you doing? Do you feel tired? Who is your midwife? Who is supporting you in this birth? How is your heart doing?” It seems, they just see a HUGE belly, and instead of thinking good, positive things, I seem to strike in people’s minds, a fear and a fascination with the magnitude of my belly. People cannot help but glare and think  how freakishly big I look for someone who is not going to give birth RIGHT NOW. Today at Savers a lady stopped in-front of my cart, pointed at a baby suit I had hung on the hand-rail, and said, “So cute!” I smiled, and she asked, “When are you due?” and when the answer was not “oh, today!” she leaned towards me and whispered, “You look BIG!!!” I was not really expecting anything else, so I just smiled and said, “I’ve always had big, healthy babies!” And then, a lady with her two kids were trying to get along their way and she had to shout at her kids, “Move!” when she was very near me. I scooted to make sure she has space to pass, but she thought I had made a mistake and thought she was shouting at me and apologized. Again, I just smiled, because I knew she was not yelling at me. But barely a few minutes later, when I was still there, in all my glorious hugeness, my T-shirt threatening to creep over my belly button all the time, I hear her, and a man, a couple of aisles down, talking about “She’s so ready to go, you can tell!” I mean, was I cranky and snapped at anybody? Was I leaking water down my pants that I did not see? Oh, bless! I am obviously within earshot and within sight, do they think I am just a piece of dead meat hanging there awaiting evaluation, with an expiry date?

I headed to the cashier and as she scanned each item, I can sense every pair of eyes of every one in the queue behind me eying me and sizing me up. OK, whatever!! I thought to myself. But I also could not help wondering why these strangers are so obsessed with the size of my belly and nothing else. Is this what we do to strangers? Will we do this to friends? Do **I** do this to my friends, perhaps unmindfully? On the drive back home, I thought and thought, and tried to go through my memory of how I had reacted to bellies. And honest to the heavens, I have never been shocked at any belly size. Even if I had thought, “Wow, that’s a big belly!” I have never gone up to that woman just to release that bit of redundant information to her and to satisfy my urge to making an exclaiming remark to a stranger. I often wonder about the life of the woman- is she a first-time mom? Is she scared, nervous, confident? How is she going to birth? What may she name her baby and what are her wildest dreams for her child?

Am I feeling superior, better and above these strangers, when I recall that I have not acted like they do? I guess, in all honesty, I feel a degree of superiority. At least, I do not – hang in there – act like an idiot in front of a pregnant woman. Saying things like “You’re so big!” as if this is not apparent to her, whether she looks in the mirror, or feel the weight she carries with her as she walks, sits, and stand. Even laying down in my sleep, I feel heavy and ripe. On the other hand, what I really, really wish, is for people to see a big belly and expand their horizon of thoughts. Think of what future this baby has, and what we are doing to impact the future world and environment. Think of the Hope, the Dreams, the Possibilities. Think of how we once were all babies and how we had grown up; what do we want different for all the new babies that are born everyday, every second? So many things to think of…. perhaps more mindful, compassionate things we can say to a mum with a big belly, like, “I wish for you a beautiful birth.”

Ralf took some pictures for me outdoors this past weekend at the cabin. When I look at the pictures, I can see I am not small. No, I am not petite to begin with, and my belly is indeed impressively huge. I wanted to have pictures outside because it just seems so right, pregnancy being such a natural process as it is. I wanted the creek because its flowing sound has been so inspirational for me this pregnancy. But light and timing was an issue. I would prefer morning but Ralf said the afternoon light is better, longer wavelength (whatever that is supposed to mean or imply). Unfortunately, I was rather tired and half-cranky after being on my feet all afternoon cooking and freezing foods. But the golden light was stealing across the yard and the creek, and there was an almost sacred quiet out there, so we decided to give it a shot. At least, Ralf wants to test out how his manual lens will work. So we went out and tried some shots. In some I myself could not help thinking my legs look like elephant legs, so conditioned i am too to how society sees a woman’s body. But I have to remind myself how my legs need to be so strong! in order to support the very important weight of Life that I carry and nourish within me. I see my tan lines and winced. Urgh! Still, I am glad we went outside and played in the light, and feel the breeze and listen to the water flowing past. I guess I do look big, but I don’t think I look freakish. I have certainly seen pictures of women around my stage of pregnancy with a belly half my size, or even just a third of my size. But does that truly apply anything at all?

Nothing, except that we are each an individual and different.

And Yet, we are all vessels of Life. This is the fascinating thing, that only women can nurture and bring forth Life. What a privilege!

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