Dear sweet little soul,
your birth is pending. Pending, pending. It could be in some hours, in two days, in several days. Who knows? Perhaps only you, and the mysterious forces of the universe.
Your birth is pending, so is mine. We are going to birth.–
When your brother Ferdinand died, I died too. It was easy to die. There was no strength, no bravery in me to live. I let go and lay down, wishing never to walk out into the light again. But, death, or perhaps, Life, will not let me have it so easy. I gotta live again, because I still have things to do, apparently. I still have much to learn, and much to grow. But I was allowed to cocoon for a bit.
Now, it is about time for me to break from that safe cocoon, that has been warm, dark, and comforting. I have to birth again. And, golly, that is hard! What am I supposed to be now? How am I supposed to be? I dare not think, and I am not sure. I cower, dig in my heels, beg to lay back down again, but it is time to birth.
Your release from my womb will also be my birth. But, I need to let some things die. Birth, and Death, so intimately entwined, my dear little one. When Ferdinand died, he was birthed into another realm. Somehow he never really died, this is something I am still grasping. He feels so close, so intimate to me; I feel when I touch my skin, every single cell I touch is him too. I feel, when I rub my palms over the round form of my belly (your final days in my womb!), he is touching you too. And yet, he feels so distant sometimes. Sweet little one, there is nothing morbid when I say that as I carry you in me- sweet, fresh, tender little life, I carry Death too. You come in Life, and in Death too, if that makes sense at all. From the second we were born, we slowly begin to die.
Before I birth, to you, to myself, I know I need to kill some things first. I need to let some things die, and I need to surrender.
During my Blessingway, hosted by two women whom hopefully will be present to welcome you into this realm, Mani and Leigh, the myth of Queen Inana- Sumerian Queen of Heaven- was invoked. Alone, she had to pass through seven gates, and at each gate, she was to surrender one thing. Worldly possessions they may be, but representative of the psyche. I was asked too, to proceed to seven symbolic gates, my face painted in preparation to be a birth warrior, seven scarves hung and weighed upon my shoulders, and asked to surrender. What shall I surrender?
~ ego: This birth is not simply about me. It is also about the universe’s rhythm, flow and power. Actually, this birth is not about me. You are coming through me, as a gift, but I do not own you. This birth is not about my performance, but rather about how I let go and let flow and let be.
~ need for control: yes, no matter how much I realize about the illusion of control, I still yearn for it. I uncurl my fingers, and then, uncertain of myself, I reach out and grasp again. There is no need to control.
~ fears: I have thought about this a lot the past few days. I puzzled, how is it fear is still here? Don’t I have love, a lot of love? Does love not conquer all fears? … … But I also realize that fear has not been so menacing the past days, but a lingering presence. Perhaps fear is not to be feared. I studied it longer, and deeper, and realize that it is but an energy. Energy that cannot be destroyed, but certainly can be transformed. Fear has been there to energize me, keep me alert, get me wondering. In yoga meditation, fear is asked to be transformed into fearlessness. Fear has been hanging around, waiting for something to catalyse, to be transformed into courage.
I know I fear, because of the need to be in control, because of the necessity to show that I am capable. Ego, control, fear. Banish one and banish all.
~ time: I surrender all concepts of time. I wonder too, how long will this labor be? Long, like the others? It does not matter, really. 20 hours, 2 hours, what needs to transpire will do so. No clocks for me. Only the moment of your safe arrival matters.
~ past memories and experiences: oh, how they haunt me! When they are actually already a part of me, a part of my growth, even if it is painful growth. I let them go, for they do not inform this birth, your birth, our births, and unless to accentuate, they have no place in this sacred space that will be our births.
~ outcome: I surrender to the outcome, whatever it may be. I think, perhaps, that you have decided it is not time yet, because of this- my attachment to the outcome. I grovel, I dig in, I sulk. Because I want to know the outcome, before I even begin the journey. I want to have a guaranteed, positive outcome. I really do. I want someone, to somehow tell me, you will come, safely. But then, we may as well turn the planet inside out and trade places with Neptune. There is no guaranteed outcome, only committed action. I surrender, truly and totally. Whatever the outcome, no matter how you come, I will go through this beautiful process. My heart is exposed this way, in the most raw, vulnerable and quivering manner, but it seems there is no other way to walk this journey. There is no other way to mother, to birth and to be. No bargaining, no bartering. I know I have to walk through fire to find out, and gladly I walk.
~ boundaries: I am not so sure now what I meant when I said this, but I think I am trying to transcend all time and space. It does not matter where I birth you, that space boundary no longer matters. And it does not matter what realm, physical or spiritual, Ferdinand may be. (Yes, this is as much about you as it is about Ferdinand, separate and unique entities you may be; but I truly believe you both are connected, intertwined…) This is about now, and yet the past, present and future are all entwined in one space, in one moment. I just sense it.
I call you sweet little soul, but you are not young. I believe you are an old soul who wishes to visit earth again. I am honored to have you come through me, so I may learn from you. You have no idea how much joy it has been to nurture you these past months. Oh, of course there was the almost-constant anxiety, but certainly there was much joy too. I thank you for this opportunity, for which I am also humbled. It has been a privilege.
Those months have been long. Bittersweet, heart-opening and beautiful, often tinged with sorrow. We approach a threshold now. And I am ready. I hope you are, too.
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