Thank you for all your sweet kind words, all the care sent my cyber-way. I take them all to heart and every word pulls to help me peel myself off the ground.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot say enough what your words and your thoughts mean to me.
They were here such a short time, but my heart already exploded. This is why for Buddhists attachment is what hinders enlightenment. I got attached so quickly. When at first we only saw one yolk sac, I thought, Oh, maybe they wanted to be together but since the other had a problem, they decided to leave this womb. Try another place.
And that actually comforted me some. Only we saw the second sac at the next ultrasound, so all we can say is that Nature makes mistakes sometimes. She may have thrown many a pot, but sometimes the clay simply do not cooperate.
Shortly after I found out about the pregnancy Val came home from her martial arts class telling me the mother of her classmate is pregnant. “But it is very early, you cannot see she has a belly yet.” I asked her how she knew then and she said the mother told her.
And I wondered, did she just find out too? We may be due around the same time, in March.
The following week I saw the spouse and after asking me how old Lyra was he announced, “We will be expecting our third baby too.” I congratulated him (we do not know each other very well; polite acquaintances as our kids are in the same class) and asked him when the baby will be due.
“March 8. It is still very early.”
Indeed. I know because I would have been due around the same time and I was about 6 weeks. But I would never share my news that early. Not because Ferdinand died. I am not exactly sure why. But we’ve just always waited until the first trimester passed. I think it was the superstition about miscarriages if you tell too early. Ha. A friend had once commented that we were a cautious couple. I wonder if we are the glass-half-empty couple too.
I thought of that family, and wished them the best of luck.
And I thought too: WTH? Why me? Why again?
I am afraid at the exit interview of my previous life, I had arrogantly sighed and said, “Phew, this was too easy! A tad boring. My next life I would love some challenges, you know?”
And this is why all these happened. I asked for it. Dang.
Will we try again, as someone asked? Right now, I am too tired. My heart, sore with love and loss. I just want to be alone. Any decisions made now will be impulsive, though honestly the thought of another potential loss makes me want to grab a knife and operate on my spouse right now. Sounds a bit violent, I know, but one needs to be doubly sure sometimes.
This week a kind friend took the older two girls off my hands for a few hours so I can some quiet. I still had Lyra but it made a difference. The house was much quieter and I could think, and my mind was clear and I could think razor-sharp. I saw vividly that I am blessed, with three healthy children, right here with me. And foremost I need to love them, and learn along with them. I may not have handled more children very well. Perhaps I need more time just to myself.
I need more time, even if the doc said that my “high maternal age” was a factor in the miscarriage. I just cannot decide right now. I have a friend who gave birth at 45 to her second child with no issues. Screw high maternal age. But everyone is different. I feel more than a thousand years old.
I’d better stop now. I only wanted to write a thank you note but all the thoughts came spilling out. Thank you again – so, so much.