One of the first things we discussed after dear little Ferdinand’s passing was, “Should we move?” I thought of how hard it will be to go back to the familiar places and having to answer the same questions abut where is our new baby? But it was R who prompted the question.
Although it was not really to escape. I guess it was an expression of the pain we feel at the place we were in, and wanting to be some place else. When R considered that, he was also thinking of his career that had practically stagnated in the past few years. And maybe we all need a new, fresh start. Maybe.
How do we move through life? How are we guided? How do we know what are the next coordinates? Do we pilot on our own? Do we all have a co-pilot? Who tells us the course of trajectory?
And then we forgot about the moving part. Other things took over. the flood. The car accident. The move back to the valley. Getting life re-established at home again.
And then R asked, two days ago, “How about we sell everything and travel for a year?” I told him, “Sure.” and he asked if I was taking him seriously or not. Of course I was. I had always loved traveling. So did he, though he had felt more exhausted about the idea in the past couple of years. My feet itch constantly. I salivate over places I have read and just have the burning desire to be transported elsewhere. To be in a different space, experiencing a different energy. To switch coordinates. It always makes me feel more alive again. Also makes me think more deeply, feel more deeply, live more deeply, esp after I return to my coordinates of origin.
And then as I plough through the house, trying to clean and organize, I start to think about what I need to do, or want to do, in the coming months. I came across a book about knitting and crochet projects using just one skein of yarn. That’s the type for me, who always start out with great passion and then fizzle off really soon. One skein is all it takes, the book promises. To make gifts of all sorts. And very cool ones too. I think of what I can make for who among my friends. I thought of seeing my friends again. I am not sure when I can see them again. I mean, I do not feel ready. I don’t feel like being social. I can email, I can type. But talk, I don’t know.
I have been thinking how do I know I am ready? It’s not like there will be a “launch date” when I know I can step out of the house and meet people again. I have come to terms to Ferdinand’s death. I believe he was really here just for a brief visit; just to check out this planet before he moves on. D told me he chose me to grow in my love and energies so he can move on to his longer journey. J told me he has been receiving so many merits by listening to all the wise prayers at the temple, hearing sounds and words of wisdom from long ago that stays true and wise for centuries and centuries. This past month saw a lot of prayers at the temple so it seems like he had perfect timing. J said he is so lucky and will therefore find his path to True Happiness. I had the understanding that this may be the reason why he chose me, and my family. He wanted to go to a better place; further, better, happier and brighter. I feel happy for him. And feel honored that he chose me as a vehicle and a vessel. I still feel sad, as I am still a mother who yearns for her child, even if she reads a million times over that her children comes through her but belongs to her not. She understands that as not controlling her children’s lives; allowing them to blossom fully and not to force her ideas and ambitions upon her children. But not in this way, in how it had happened. But I have come to terms and accepted. BUT I am still a mother who misses her baby.
And so I wonder how can I know when I am “ready”. I have no production date, no launch date, no expiry date. I don’t think there are clear boundaries here. no clear coordinates. No auspicious dates. I am not going to wake up one day and look at the calendar and see “This day you move thus forth in sorrow no more.”
So I guess I won’t know… until it really happens and then I will suddenly realize it. Maybe it will be like this.
How funny to travel like this through my journey, not knowing. Weird. because I like to know. This is what breaks me.
We talked of our trip back to Singapore next year for Chinese New Year. The girls are thrilled, esp Valerie. I think they will have a blast with the festive markets, the dragon dance, the lion dance, the foods, the red packets- money! I thought of visiting Ferdinand at the temple… … R thought maybe we can try to wrestle a ticket that has a free stopver in Japan, he had always wanted to visit that land where his grandma brought up her four young sons in times of war. His father still speaks very fluent Japanese. I have been there once and remember this little place about an hour train’s ride outside Tokyo called Kamakura. I went to Japan to try to heal a broken heart and found much solace in all the pretty handmade papers, and in the temples of Kamakura. I went to Kamakura three times during that trip. I told R of the temples, and a particular one with a small forest of serene, stately bamboos. I remember walking through it, hearing a waterfall all the time, and the silence, and looking at the golden light, the green, the golden light, sensing a holiness in the whole place. I then came to a pavilion and saw the waterfall. I sat down and without being asked, someone brought me a large bowl of mocha. I drank it and knew I was healed. And vowed to one day have a bamboo forest of my own.
As I walk down this memory lane, I recall the many white strips of cloth tied to these stands that stood outside every temple. Those are wishes. Students asking for good grades, pregnant women asking for a safe birth; mothers praying for a safe journey for their lost children. I thought of Jizo Bodhisattva ( http://www.zendust.org/jizo/index.htm; http://www.onmarkproductions.com/html/jizo1.shtml), also known as Di Zang Pu-sa in Chinese, and of the many Jizo sutras that had been chanted the past month at the temple for Ferdinand. If we go to Japan, I will visit Kamakura again and find that temple again. That was 12 years ago, but I am sure I will find that healing place again. But before that, I guess I have to find my own coordinates within first.
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Ferdinand's Gifts 