Five years.
I have nothing fresh to say. No new insights. No fresh relevations. No wisdom to share. I have walked but have not veered onto a new path. There are no shortcuts, no new vistas, little consolation.
To be fair, time does slowly exert her effects of a slow numb. Life inevitably piles on distractions so you sometimes forget about the wound a little. At times, the memory will seem so distant you feel you are looking through a frosted glass to a movie on the other side, the story of another, but not of yours. The screams muffled, the contours blurred. Only when the movie on the other side has ended will you realize you have your hand over your heart, throbbing and aching.
I still miss him, terribly much. But I do not always find the time or space on a daily basis to remember. I still experience disbelief. I still sometimes look around and wonder, where is he? Where are you? I still have the illusion that I have somehow absent-mindedly misplaced him, somewhere.
This is the first year we spend his birthday out of the country. Here, everyone wants us to forget and forge on. They want us to be whole again and to stop hurting. I did not make a cake, it is just impossible to swallow. Instead, I made a donation in Ferdinand’s honor to the Tibet Water Project to bring clean water to one of the poorest parts of Tibet. He was born dry. I hope others get to enjoy clean fresh water in his honor.
I am seeing a delayed grief response in S. She was almost four when Ferdinand was born, and did not fully grasp what was going on. I have seen her experience very intense emotions last year and this. She even wrote a story that to me was her effort to make reason of what had happened. Needless to say, it broke my heart. But there is nothing to do but to roll with the punches. I just hope she can find closure faster than I do.
I wish I were a better shiny example of how to walk this path, but here I am, just trudging on.
How we miss and love you, Ferdinand. Happy Birthday, our brave little star voyager! I am sure you are twinkling at us right this very second. We love and miss you, forever.
Hope was born dry as well. Your donation in Ferdinand’s name just cracked my heart wide open. How beautiful.
You are loved and missed, gorgeous boy.
I’ve missed you too, Janis.
xo
Thinking of you so much these past few days and dear Ferdinand. Wish I were there to hold your hand and chat a bit. Happy Birthday, Ferdinand. You live forever in our hearts.
Dear Janis.. such a beautiful tribute to your son.. as it is every year. I am so sorry you were in a place where you could not be open with your grief. I think of Ferdinand so often.. please know that his memory is alive and well in the hearts of so many others.
Love and light always.. and a wish to the stars on the 5th Birthday of your voyager.
So beautiful. Thinking of you and of Ferdinand.
A slow numb, a perfect description. And your dear S, I’m sorry. I expect to see, perhaps, a similar slow dawning in my own children as the years pass.
And you might feel as though you are trudging but, to my eyes, your example is full of grace and love.
Will be thinking of your son this evening, as the stars come out.
Remembering Ferdinand with you today and every day, my dear friend Janis. Your little star voyager…
Thinking about you and Ferdinand today. Please know he is not forgotten. (BrandysJourney)
Thank you, all dear and beautiful mamas. Your kindness and your words mean to me much more than you can ever imagine. I apologize for my scarcity on the blogosphere. You and your babies are never far from my thoughts though. Hope to visit soon.
I thought of you all day yesterday. Time has not permitted a post for which I feel rather guilty. Please know Ferdinand is in the front of my mind, and as always, you are held in my heart.
I thought of you and your baby boy yesterday, but did not have time to come and make a post. How I wish you were and your family were whole. Happy birthday, sweet little Ferdinand.
I read Ferdinand’s story years ago, when my first daughter nearly died at birth, and then came back again early this year to read again after my second daughter was stillborn. Happy birthday Ferdinand. And thank you, Janis, for sharing his story, your story, your family’s story. Love to you all.
So much love to you and your Ferdinand, Janis. I’ve been thinking of you and your little star voyager, and hoping July was gentle with you. I hope S is able to find some peace with her grief, but my heart goes out to you as you watch her grapple with all of this.
Happy belated birthday to Ferdinand. I did make a cake for V this year but haven’t other years. The kids enjoyed eating it. It really does sometimes feel like something that happened to someone else but at the same time every thing still feels like it’s just below the surface nevertheless. Like I have a lid on it now, but it’s all still there. Much love Janis xxx
I feel you. Silence burning, heavier than a stone this knowing we share, the tears keep us living. Keep us from drying up. Your tears gift us all with water. My arms around you, always.
Much love to you & your family, Janis. xoxo